Well How Would He Know?
by Retronym
Summary: Everyone expects kids to ask "the Big Question". But how is a robot supposed to know these things anyway? And why is it so hard to just explain it? (A one-shot about a combination of extreme smarts, curiosity, and cluelessness. Rated for minor mature language. R&R if you don't mind too much)


**That moment when it's been like four months since you've uploaded something. So yeah, this is a silly story, as is my trademark, about R.O.B. I think he's cute. I see him with emotions and all, because robots with emotions just really get me in the feels, but he has struggles expressing such "illogical" things as emotions. So this is just about R.O.B's insatiable desire for knowledge, and for some reason no one seems able to help a robot out. Enjoy?**

The curiosity started with a toy known as the Rubik's Cube. R.O.B had never encountered one in his existence, and as far as he could tell it was simply an object created to be a pleasurable, but apparently difficult, stimulating pastime. Of course, he could probably figure the thing out in a matter of seconds, if given the chance. However, he had been requested by the human Prince Marth and Hylian Princess Zelda, who both seemed to be lacking in such pleasurable stimulation at the moment, to attempt at completing the activity first before he was allowed to do it (and inevitably succeed). So he waited as Prince Marth struggled to figure it out, his confusion increasing the longer he tried. Eventually, he handed it over to Princess Zelda, and to his shock, within three minutes she had each face uniform in color.

"Have you done this thing before?" asked Marth incredulously.

"No," replied Zelda honestly.

"Then how did you complete it so fast?"

R.O.B was pondering this too. He understood that normally it took humans or other human-like forms much longer to complete puzzles of such logic. Princess Zelda seemed to be exceptional in such intelligent respects. R.O.B found it intriguing, and decided to inform her of such, as people seemed to enjoy.

"That was quite impressive," commented R.O.B, feeling pleased that he had this whole complimenting thing down to a science. "Your flexible database seems to be very well developed. Your creator must have been very experienced."

He'd thought that was pretty good; if someone said that to him, he would be terribly happy. He then saw the two humanoids' expressions turn to a combination of amusement and confusion.

"Thanks, R.O.B," replied Zelda, a slight upward twitch in her mouth. "Actually though, I was not created like you were. I was born of my two parents."

R.O.B was taken aback, and felt his intellectual curiosity spark. Not created? Born of two parental units? He had not discussed this before, nor did he have it stored anywhere in his databases.

"Born of two parents?" he echoed his own thoughts. "This I do not understand. Describe the process of your generation by two parents."

This simple question seemed to cause a disproportionate reaction within the two. R.O.B had always found it interesting how one could tell the emotions inside a humanoid simply from observing their outer expression, for as a robot he had never been like that. As it was, Marth seemed to choke momentarily on air in surprise and awkward laughter, and Zelda just kind of stood there with an uncomfortable air and a frown. R.O.B was not willing to let the subject go regardless. Thus, he simply mimicked the action of an interrogative human to get that point across, tilting his head slightly and blinking.

Marth cleared his throat. "Well, you see-" he stopped, having trouble forming his phrase. "Two parents-" He looked into R.O.B's attentive photoreceptors, and smacked his hand onto his forehead. "Oh, why is this so hard?" he asked Zelda rhetorically. "He's a _robot_ , for goddess' sake, he doesn't care."

"R.O.B," said Zelda, taking up the question, "So two people like each other a lot, okay? Romantically. And so, they will go and once they want children, they, um, each give a little bit of themselves, and it grows into a baby that the mom gives birth to."

Marth snorted, and she said defensively, "What? You couldn't even get that far!"

R.O.B was still not fully understanding still. "What is this 'little bit'?" he queried. "How does it grow? From what parts do they come?"

At the word "parts", Zelda's face went quite red, a sign R.O.B knew to mean someone was angry or embarrassed. Marth then commented that she looked like a Maxim tomato, and she proceeded to throw the Rubik's Cube at him. R.O.B couldn't help but wonder that if the subject of generating an offspring caused such confusion and discomfort, then why would anyone do it in the first place?

He was about to inquire again when Marth said to him, "Say R.O.B, perhaps you should ask this of someone else?"

R.O.B blinked his photoreceptors, before conceding. "Yes," he agreed. "I will do that. Goodbye, Prince Marth and Princess Zelda."

He then roved out of the room to find another suitable candidate for questioning.

"…Well, that was uncomfortable," commented Marth.

"Pipe down, Marth, I did all the real work," Zelda scoffed.

"Oh yes, quite admirable," said Marth in a mock dignified voice. "By the way, you have messed up the Rubik's Cube by throwing it at me."

"Maybe then you can try and solve it this time," Zelda suggested. Marth picked the thing up and glowered.

* * *

The next person for R.O.B to come across was Solid Snake. From what R.O.B could gather, he was generally quite intelligent and wise, and so he may have an answer for the questions incited by Marth and Zelda.

"Excuse me, Solid Snake," he addressed him. The man turned to him, an eyebrow quirked up. "I have a question to ask of you."

"What is it?" asked Snake. This was rather odd, he thought; R.O.B usually just knew stuff, or figured things out on his own.

"Could you describe to me the process through which two parental units create an offspring?"

Snake was somewhat outraged at this question. Why did they always seem to ask him? Now it wasn't just practically every one of those kids, but also the robot community questioning him about this. Why? He was rather jaded with this wacky shit.

Thus, he decided to just make it simple. R.O.B was a robot, he could deal with it. "The man puts his dick in the woman's vagina. Happy?"

R.O.B blinked once, then slowly stated, "…I fail to comprehend what a man named Richard has to do with situation."

Snake performed the same gesture as Marth in which he slapped his hand to his head, dragging it down his face. "God above, you are hopeless. In fact, you understand less than Pit, and he is literally an angel. How would you not know this anyway? You have a computer for a brain."

"I am a robot made by a creator," stated R.O.B matter-of-factly. "Since they decided not to include any such information, I would have no innate knowledge of human creation."

"Fair point," muttered Snake. "Alright, you should just go figure this out somewhere else." He paused for a moment, then added, "Or better yet, just forget about it. Save you some trouble."

With that, he walked away. R.O.B conceded that he would not perform the very human action of "forgetting" it, and desired to satiate his need for knowledge. He ran through the conversation he'd just held…what had Snake said about Pit?

R.O.B turned and roved off.

* * *

"Hmm…I don't really know. Can't remember what they said last time I asked…I mean, getting made from clouds seems like a safe guess. It's the way everything else seems to happen."

Yoshi peeked around the angel as he stated his theory and chimed in, "I dunno, I'm pretty sure babies come from eggs."

"No way!" argued Pit. "I sure didn't come from an egg. And you can go ask Chrom if he laid Lucina's egg. I don't think that's how it happened."

"Oh yeah," said Yoshi, relapsing into thought.

"Hey Oshi!" cried Kirby from across the room. "I tought you said dat some babies come from storks!"

"Oh, right, some do!" Yoshi agreed excitedly. "So…do storks make babies outta clouds?"

"Makes sense," affirmed Pit thoughtfully. "They are in the sky a lot."

"Mhmm," agreed Yoshi. "I just don't know what decides if they come from eggs or storks though…"

R.O.B was not understanding; the barrage of unrelated information he was storing was not firing any connections. He did not know what to contribute, for none of them seemed to comprehend any more than he did. He gave a whirring noise that was the robot equivalent of a sigh. "Good bye, Pit and Yoshi and Kirby. Thank you for your time."

"'Bye R.O.B!" Pit called, waving, before he returned to their debate on what causes an offspring to be created from an egg rather than a stork.

* * *

R.O.B re-entered the room he was in originally just as Marth yelled, "Fine, I give up!"

R.O.B felt that those were his sentiments exactly, but found that Marth was referring to the puzzle still in his hand.

Zelda, who had sat down and was reading a book, commented, "My, that gets your temper up like nothing else, doesn't it?"

"Perhaps," sighed Marth.

"Well, at least the rest of us will know what to do if we ever want to get you mad: solve that puzzle."

"Greetings, Prince Marth and Princess Zelda," buzzed R.O.B somewhat dejectedly as he entered.

"Oh, hello," said Marth with a small smile. "Did you, um, get your questions answered?"

"Negative," replied R.O.B. "I have gotten a great array of responses, including things concerning storks and men named Richard. However, I have failed to formulate a cohesive and logical average of these things in order to generate an answer." He paused, then gazed at Marth. "Are you sure you cannot provide me with an answer? It is a shame to leave knowledge undiscovered."

Marth did not reply exactly, instead looking at the thing in his hand. "R.O.B, you've been waiting a long time for your turn with the Cube. Do you want it?"

As much as R.O.B wanted his questions satisfied, it would be awfully nice to have a puzzle that could be logically solved by himself this time. His desire for the cube won out, and he replied, "Indeed, Prince Marth."

Marth tossed the Rubik's Cube, and R.O.B eagerly caught it. Within fifteen seconds, his computerized brain had it done. It was so pleasurable, R.O.B departed the room and repeatedly mixed it up and re-solved it no less than seventy-eight times, increasing the intensity of the mixing each time he did it.

 **Um, yeah. Thanks for making it this far. Marth and Zelda are too dignified, Snake is done with the bullshit, and Pit/Yoshi/Kirby are just entirely clueless. Sorry, R.O.B, maybe next time. On another note, I will soon post a poll on my profile on two stories I'm considering doing, each one an AU with, wait for it, MULTIPLE CHAPTERS! WHAT?! I didn't even know numbers went that high?/?/?/?/ Does not compute?**

 **Your face is beautiful! Bye!**


End file.
